The Company English
Speaking in English… you know the properly constructed, grammatically correct English phases and clauses… is way over rated. In my high school, and the university that I attended, one needed to be of a certain English literate caliber to initiate schooling. Little do people know that in the corporate world, at least mine, English is at the same levels as termite and mole holes.
My one year of working in The Company, other than learning that the worlds entire workaholics and indecent men work in the company that I work in, I have learnt English… the Company Way.
Lets have a crash course in Messed Up Way of Talking 001.
- Be like The Guy with the S’s: Add S at every noun… or any other word… in the sentence.
Example: So the peoples want sweets
Example: Yesterdays I went to the restaurants
Example: No matters what you dos, I wills manage to mess up your minds
- Have a pet phrase, even if it is silly, just have one:
Yea, have a phrase. And repeat it after every point you want to make in a meeting. People might think it is funky, but I think it is plain silly.
Example: Fire a print out. Yea, you do this… then that… then this… fire a print out. Go ahead fire a print out.
(this is one conversation I actually had with a dude!)
Example: By in large, this is what we do. We engineer, procure and construct. By in large that is the summary of it.
- Use ‘a’ and ‘the’ randomly in the sentence, just to mess up peoples heads
Example: When you go to gate, you’re a passport you should carry to the person. And the pass you will get. Then the drawing of the section, you shall see and a look at the real thing and a drawing.
- Eliminate prepositions to deviate a person’s concentration from what you are exactly saying so that your BS is not caught.
Example: Please fill up form and forward to department for getting visa.
Example: Pick up the calculator table.
- Talk in a tune. I think, this is to make you fall a sleep when the dude is speaking. The mission is the same, not to catch the other person’s BSing.
Example: Soooo whaaat weee neeeeeeeeds is to meeessss up your miiiiieennnnnnds.
…. Audience : “ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”
- Some common words
Proper English for Human beings – The Company English - Heavy ................................Happy
- Zone ...............................Jone
- Are smashed ........................smashed (example: all your dreams smashed)
- It could be ...........................might be
- Fixed .................................Fix-ED
- Release ..............................Religious
- Even .................................Too (example: I too want this)
So… for all those people who are in the Intensive English Program in school or university, don’t worry, there is hope for you to survive the corporate world. For those who excel in the English Language… get ready to screw your vocab and grammar.
back from HELL: Spread the Blue
Labels: work
6 Comments:
:-)
Nice one...Man you should teach them correct English or "get ready to screw your vocab and grammar." :=)
Hehehe.
You're too cute. I'm too big of a grammar wh**e... I'll probably need therapy once I join the corporate world. :)
rana: You see wht i have to go thru :)
Anon: i tried to man... but... i have given up :P
a-hem: you are going to suffer man :P
hey hi! i just came across ure blog! this post was toooo funnyyy. I was laughing out loud :D seriously!
bubbles: welcome :) Glad you enjoyed it :)
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